Letting Go

I am queen of pushing things down, avoiding, hiding, and holding on to things. I can become so shameful of little mistakes that I try to forget about them and push them away rather than acknowledging them and telling someone about it. This makes me feel like a complete failure and can cause me to hurt others which makes me all the more selfish. Then I’m stuck in this shame and sorrow and self loathing that I wallow or shut down, again hurting those around me and acting selfishly.

I don’t think of other people in those instances and only care about my feelings. Then, when I try not to wallow in it, I feel bad; as if choosing not to wallow is me not accepting or acknowledging what happened and the sin or mistake that I made.

Newsflash: that’s the enemy taking a small victory.

I’ve been wallowing for so long and making a habit of self pity that when I try not to respond in that way it feels wrong. Sin has a way of latching on tightly.

My first step is to not wallow and to accept the fact that not wallowing is a good thing. Then I am going to repent to my Papa God and ask for forgiveness, then I’m going to forgive myself. My God has already forgiven me, why can’t I forgive myself? I keep a tally of things that I’ve done wrong and ways that I screwed up or felt like a failure, but I never deal with that list and I hold on to it dearly, not wanting to let it go. Well, I want to let it go, I want to give up that list. I’ve asked God to bring things to the surface and to reveal to me the things that I’ve pushed deep down and don’t want to deal with. Here it is; I got what I prayed for, so now I need to choose my response.

I feel guilty for not sharing with the one person that I tell everything to, that I withheld information, like I lied to him. Then I question if I’m really ready to be a wife. Maybe I still have some growth to do and thats why the wedding is still so far away. I want to be the best me as I step into this marriage. I want to be the best me so that we can become the best “we” the best “us” that we can be.

That’s going to mean being less selfish. In fact, it means being selfless. That’s a task that still needs a lot of work, a lot more than I first realized. It’s also going to mean bringing up everything that I have shoved deep down, acknowledging things, and dealing with them. I may not have a dark past or a painful life, but I do experience real shame and disappointment in myself when I do the wrong thing to the point where I run from it and don’t know how to handle it.

I’m human, I screw up all the time, but that doesn’t make me a failure; it makes me an undeserving child of God who is shown mercy, grace, and unconditional love. I never want to test God’s patience to the point where He becomes exhausted and says “enough”. I never want to grow “used” to God’s love or expect His immediate grace and mercy. I never want to become complacent in my walk with Christ. I fear that I am and that I have pushed so many little things down that they became big things.

I need to do some things. I need to read God’s Word consistently. I need to put things out in the open to be held accountable. I need to live out God’s love by allowing God to use me and heal the brokenness that I have buried inside of myself. That’s going to be really tough for me, but I have the best support system and I’m excited for the journey knowing that it is going to be awful and suck at times, but the outcome of becoming a healthier me for a healthier marriage, ministry, and relationship with God far outweighs the suck.

Childlike Faith

The other day I was teaching large group to the three and four year olds at my church. We were learning about how God gives us friends, and that God is our friend! As I was about to move on to the next part of our lesson, a little boy asks me “Who is God?”

Woah. Who is God? What a big, deep question to ask. This little child may not know just how big this question is, but he truly wanted to know.

I was taken aback for a minute, then repeated the question back to him “Who is God?”, to which I received a simple “yeah” in return. Now there were many other children in the room and other adult shepherds as well, but all eyes were on me.

How does one answer such a deep question to a four year old child? I had to answer with the truth, so I told him that God made the whole world and everything it; He made you and me and every one else; He loves us so much; and He wants to be our friend forever.

The words that came out of this young child’s mouth next amazed me even more: “And some people didn’t believe in Jesus so they killed him on the cross.” You know what, you are right kid! So right, but guess what? JESUS CAME BACK TO LIFE! God rose Jesus from the dead because He is real, and we can believe in Him, and He is our friend forever!

After this transfer, we moved on to the rest of the lesson planned, but those three simple words were playing in my heart more and more causing me to stop and think about who God truly is to me. I believe that sometimes God uses us as vessels to get others attention. Maybe I needed to think about this question and strengthen my faith and belief in Him. As I started the week, this question was looming in the back of my mind until I finally was still and thought about it.

Who is God?

Well. . . God is just what I told the four year old child; He created the world and everything in it, He created me and you and all of the people in the world, He loves us, and He wants to be our friend forever. But He is also so much more than that. He made the world and everything in it, but He made it for us because He loves us. He created me and you and all of the people in the world, but He made us in His image; He made us beautifully and wonderfully; He knows every detail about us; and He loves us so much. It all comes back to His love for us! His unconditional love for us! Our God is a God of love!

On top of that, God is my Father. He is my redeemer. He is my savior. He is my protector. He is my rock. He is my refuge. He is my shelter. He is the one in whom I put my trust. He is the one who shows me unconditional love and mercy and grace time and time again. He forgives every sin and wipes it away pure as snow. He is my hero.

There is so much that God is. He is my creator that loves me with everything in Him, who looks out for me and guides my path. He is the one in whom my heart longs for. My God is my Heavenly Father full of mercy, grace, forgiveness, and love. My God is my anchor and the one my soul yearns to be with. My God is my hero.

The thing about a hero is that many people would think about superheroes or princes. While those stories are great and may bring a smile to our faces, God is a much grander and trustworthy hero. He is “stronger than superman, faster than the flash, bigger than the hulk man, Jesus what a friend,” What other hero suffered a spear through his side, a crown of thorns, beatings, nails through each hand and feet, and dying on a cross, yet came back to life just to save everyone who simply trusts and believes in Him? That’s what my God did, that’s who my hero is. That’s who my God is!

And he said: “Truly I tell you, unless you change and become like little children, you will never enter the kingdom of heaven. Matthew 18:3

Good to Me

Have you ever sat and just been in awe? I mean really in awe? Beautiful, deep, awe? I’ve been in awe of musicals before, particularly every time I see Wicked, but I am talking an even deeper awe. I’m talking blown away, amazed, overwhelmed with amazement, covered in goose bumps, chills, overwhelming joy. (Okay I’m starting to use the same descriptions now, but you get the picture.) Well I have just had the most amazing in awe moment about GOD’S LOVE!

Sometimes I am just blown away by how much He actually loves me and cares for me. When it comes down to it, I am terrible. I sin everyday. I mess up. I get mad. I tear myself down. BUT GOD LOVES ME ANYWAY! WHAT?! This honestly blows my mind. God loves me despite my failures, and the best part is that He always will. His love never changes no matter what I do, He will always love me, His child.

I felt this love and grace a lot this semester. And in a moment where I felt like I screwed up big time and risked failing a class, He somehow made it all better. I knew I messed up, and no one could have possibly been more upset or hard on me than I was on myself. I was beating myself up and imagining the worst case scenario, but God didn’t like that. He reminded me that I can’t dwell on my mistakes, instead I need to learn from them, move on, and trust that God has a plan for me. He showed me that His love is GREATER!

WOW!

There’s the saying: God is good, all the time. And all the time, God is good. I don’t think I’ve ever truly, fully grasped this saying until now. I mean, I always knew it to be true and would say it, but after the week and semester that I have had, I am just blown away by His goodness, His love, His mercy, His grace, Him. The Great I AM. How could the God of the universe love ME and show me grace when I can’t even have grace on myself? His love is truly unfathomable. He is so good.

I know that I am always going to face trials, and failures will come my way, but I also know that I have a God who loves me and a God in whom I can find rest and peace and put my trust in. And on top of that, I have a God who looks past my failures, all I need to do is ask for forgiveness, reach out to Him where my help comes from. God is so good.

I’ve said before that I love music and I love finding joy in everything. When I’m down on myself, though, it is very hard to find joy. Worship music has a way of providing that joy and truth in the one constant: God. As I sat doing homework and trying to fix my big screw up, the song “Good to Me” came on. Let me tell you, it was like a switch was flipped and I was all of a sudden a wreck. I mean God’s goodness and mercy is amazing, and the fact that He is good to me even when I fail is too great to put into words. That’s why when this song came on and said all the things I’ve been feeling and know to be more true than ever before, I lost it. The lyrics are simple: “You are good to me” repeated over and over again, but there is so much truth and so much feeling behind it, that it consumes you. If I’m being honest, I’ve listened to it on repeat the whole time I spent writing this blog. Sometimes I’m just in awe and truly amazed at how great God is and how perfect His timing is. Trust is one of the most difficult things and I have the hardest time letting things go and giving them to Him (read my previous post), but it’s hard for me to understand why it’s so hard for me when He shows me time and time again just how much He loves me! I know that I will still struggle with trust, it’s going to be a battle, but I can rest in the truth that God loves me and wants all of me, but is so very patient with me. GOD IS SO GOOD!

I guess I just needed to share how great God is. God is good to me. God is good to you. God loves me. God loves you. His love is unfathomable. It leaves you breathless and in awe when you catch just a small glimpse of it.

“Your goodness and mercy shall follow me all my life, I trust in your promise.” -Good to me, Audrey Assad

The Rock Won’t Move

Sometimes as a college student, you feel like you have to pretend to have it all together; that you are ready to be an adult; that you have everything under control. But behind closed doors, you fall apart. At least I do. I have anxiety; I didn’t until junior year. Maybe it was from friend changes, maybe it was from stress of college applications and the “toughest year of high school,” but whatever the cause, sometimes I get sucked up into this anxiety and worry.

When I stop and think about it, I realize how it can eat me up. I start overanalyzing everything and stress myself out. I become a complete and utter mess, and have no idea what to do with myself in those moments. This anxiety, though, is just a sign of me trying to handle everything by myself. I think that a lot of us try to do everything by ourselves and while this may not seem like a terrible thing, it can cause stress and damage. For me, it is a sign that I’m not trusting God or giving my life to Him, my life in His hands, ready and willing to follow His plan for my life. It’s not easy to “give up” control, but it is so worth it. God’s plan is so much bigger than any plan I could think for myself. He takes me where I am and is standing at the door, all I have to do is let Him in.

My dad told me once that when you give something to God, you need to leave it at the cross. We tend to play this game with God by giving Him some part of our life and then taking it back because we want control. We all do it, we are only human, but God wants it all. He wants all of us. He wants every piece of our hearts and lives. HE WANTS ALL OF ME! Sometimes it just AMAZES me how we can have such an incredible, gracious, loving God. When I go through these trials of anxiety, I need to rest in the promise of God and His unwavering love. I need to surrender my desire for control and lay it at the foot of the cross for God to have His way with  my life and move in me. I know it’s not easy, and I struggle with this on a daily basis, and rest assure, it took me a long time to get to this point of realization of what was happening, why I get these anxiety attacks, and how I need just give it to God.

Let me say though, that I could not have gotten to this point of realization and surrender without my wonderful family, roomie, boyfriend, and worship music. They continuously point me back to God, encouraging me to pray and surrender what I am not letting go of. Yes, it is terrifying at first, but I soon let go of that fear when I put my trust in a God who never lets go and has a great plan for me.

This song, “The Rock Won’t Move” by Vertical Church Band, has been such an encouragement to me. These lyrics:

When the ground beneath my feet gives way
And I hear the sound of crashing waves
All my world is washing out to sea
I’m hidden safe in the God who never moves
Holding fast to the promise of the truth
That You are holding tighter still to me

I just sit here listening and reading these words. When these anxiety attacks set in, it sure feels like all my world is washing out to sea, and if I let that win, then I fall apart and feel helpless. BUT the promise of God who never moves, the Rock of my salvation, is that beacon of light, the hope in the darkness. All I need to do is cry out to God, surrender my life, let His will be done, and let go of my wanting to control things, and it’s like a weight is lifted off my shoulders.

We aren’t meant to go through times like this on our own. It’s only Satan trying to distract us and pull us down. Instead of being dragged down by it, we can rest in the knowledge that “The Rock won’t move and His Word is strong. His love can’t be undone.” I’m not saying that you will all of a sudden be free from anxiety all at once, but if you ask God to take it from you and truly surrender it to Him, He will take it from you.

How lucky I am to have a God who loves me so.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8RpLB7bAlYc

Begin Again

I originally created this blog because I had to for a class I was in. I dreaded every minute of it because I had no real opinion or desire to write about these topics mandated by the class. I love writing; like LOVE writing. And my style has always been more relaxed than serious, even in essays, and this is an outlet where I can actually write how I feel in whatever way I want to. After my class ended I decided, what the heck, I mind as well use this site that I put time and effort into (while procrastinating writing the blogs) to make it my own and actually write how I feel about an endless amount of topics.

So, instead of writing about trash and responding to different class discussions and a squirrel club that I pretended to have a strong desire to create, I will be writing about this crazy, sometimes messed up world that we live in and how I try to see the positive, choose joy, and live a life for my Savior.

Even if no one ever reads these posts, I don’t care. I’m doing it for myself. A place where I can write about my experience in this place I call home without judgement, without sharing it, but if you happen to stumble upon it, then welcome! I hope you enjoy the pouring out of my heart. Here goes nothing!

My Place

When someone asks about your childhood or about where you call home, what comes to mind? For me, I just close my eyes and remember everything I can from birth to now that shaped me into who I am today. My “place” is a cute little house in South Lyon, Michigan.

To help understand my home, I give you this: imagine a small town neighborhood with houses close together, but still room for a yard. Imagine waking up every morning to the surprisingly pleasant sound of lawn mowers running and morning birds chirping high pitched beautiful tones right outside your window. Imagine the sun shining with its magnificent glow high in the sky, fresh air all around, and the loud laughter echoing from all the neighborhood kids climbing trees. I was blessed with such a wonderful place to call home, a place where all my friends were two or three doors away; a place where I was free to climb trees whenever I wanted to and had the ability to watch as these plants became so important to me.

For as long as I can remember, my family has had Leo the Late Bloomer as our favorite tree, yes I know what you are probably thinking, who has a favorite tree? Well to answer that question, my spunky family does! I can clearly recall summer nights eating dinner on the deck with my family laughing about all of our events of the day, and who blocked the sun from shining in our eyes? Not an umbrella, but trusty old Leo; he is the most beautiful tall tree with branches stretching out forever and grew the deepest green leaves that my sisters and I would turn into salads for rabbits. Now, Leo is a late bloomer and I remember anxiously waiting to see just when he might start budding because when that happened, it meant summer was on its way, which in turn meant no homework, late nights, and all of the imagination that comes to an elementary child from sunrise to sunset. (As a matter of fact I did start singing “Sunrise Sunset” from Fiddler on the Roof and that gives you a glimpse as to why I am “joyfulsong21”.) This tree was what started my summer; this special tree is what made me appreciate nature and all that it can offer. Leo gave me imagination to create food for rabbits (and young me thought that they did indeed need help finding food). This imagination is something that, to this day, I find to be extremely important, for without imagination how could I relate everything to song? How could I be unique and connect my own memories to stories and lessons? How could I be an actress and perform on a stage in front of hundreds of people? If Leo hadn’t helped me with imagination, I would not be as creative as I am today, and I certainly would not be able to use my imagination with all the children I babysit if I had not used it myself at their age. Leo also taught me to respect and appreciate nature. He is such a pretty tree and has been part of our family for as long as I have, maybe even longer. This tree helped me understand how plants work and why the seasons bring change to the trees. He also helped me to appreciate not only the shade he brings, but also the joy and the fresh air.

With the lessons Leo taught me about appreciating nature and a heavy, passionate heart, I went to Detroit for a mission trip. On this trip we cleaned out abandoned houses and helped to beautify the neighborhood and clear the yards of the overgrown brush. To be clear, when I say overgrown brush, I don’t mean they didn’t mow the lawn for a couple weeks, I am talking trees everywhere, vines stretching all around yards and fences in twisted paths that you can’t follow, weeds growing in places you wouldn’t think possible, and when you first look at it, you have no idea where to even start. First off, nature is very important and I believe that we should be planting more trees, not tearing them down; however, they also need to be taken care of. That is where we, a group of highschoolers in basketball shorts and t-shirts, stepped in and cleaned it up. Picture a backyard looking like a forest, and then picture about 60 high school students with rakes and chainsaws sweating buckets in the scorching heat of the middle of July diving in (both literally and figuratively). Yes, it was a long day, but it was so worth it to see the transformation and a tree come back to life. I was able to take the knowledge of how beautiful a tree can be from my friend Leo, and apply it to the beautiful city of Detroit to see a sort of rebirth as a single tree was cleared from the weeds and stood tall and healthy above the houses. I couldn’t help but remember Leo and think of how much he impacted me, perhaps the tree that was rebirthed that day gave imagination to some little kid riding their bike past, or even to one of the high school students who helped to bring nature back. Maybe this tree helped shape someone into the person that they are today. For me, this tree gave me the values of strength, determination, and awe. After spending a whole morning on one back yard, you realize the physical strength to tear out years and years of weeds, as well as the mental strength to keep pushing so that you can make the yard as beautiful as it once was and show all that it can be.

My “place” is one where laughter echoes in every memory that flashes before my eyes. It is one where trees bring families together, where children play and learn the importance of imagination and nature. It is one where determination and the importance of being true to yourself shine high above becoming more like others and less unique to who you are. My “place” is what defines me, it is my home.